it's just me

Well, I was NOT looking forward to seeing Antonio today but I knew he'd work me out pretty hard and I'd be happy afterward. Guess what though. He stood me up!! I got there and he wasn't there. The manager Garrett came out and said I could train with some guy, Kevin. Hell no! I pay for Antonio dammit! (As much as I can't stand him, haha!) So I didn't get charged for today and I rescheduled for next week, which means that I'll see him 3 times instead of 2. 

I worked out anyway. Just did cardio upstairs. Only 2.5 miles on the elliptical instead of 3. Now that I see the actual numbers, I'm wondering why the eff I couldn't go another half mile? UGH! 

Antonio standing me up really made me realize that it's totally up to me if I want to get to where I'm going. I'm the one that has so show up and actually do the work. No one is going to do it for me. (Unfortunately!)  I'll be back at it tomorrow!

fat is bad

We're told from a young age that "fat" is a bad word. It's offensive and degrading. We call people "heavy" or "big". Even the word "obese" has softened. Remember those commercials with Carnie Wilson talking about how she had gastric bypass because her doctor told her she's morbidly obese? Back then, that would be a horrible diagnosis but the words have lost all meaning that they no longer scare people. I had to look in the mirror and tell myself, "you are FAT" to get myself to the gym. For the past year, I've been saying that I just got a little heavy after meeting Anthony. It's the boyfriend layer...happens to everyone! It took me actually saying the word "fat" to get through to myself. 

I'm not saying that everyone should be calling people fat, but maybe if that word was actually said then people would wake up and do something about it. So I'm saying it "FAT FAT FAT FATTIE!!" Ah, that feels good!

Today was a good day. I worked really hard at the gym (even though I really didn't want to go.) And I ate really well too. I discovered Taco Bell Fresco Style...it's so delish! Basically, they take out all the dairy and replace it with salsa. I love it!

Tomorrow I see Antonio, then I see him again on Friday. I'm actually looking forward to it. Last week, I pushed myself so far beyond what I've ever done. Can't wait to do it again!

great weekend!

This was a great weekend. Actually, it still is...yay! It's not over yet! Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing. Seriously, I didn't get out of my pj's until we went to dinner at 7:30pm. Fabulous! I love days like that...and I don't feel bad about it. Today is kinda the same except that I went to the gym this morning. I did the elliptical for 2.5 miles, then came home and ran around the block with Bella. I love when she's in running mode because it doesn't come very often. 

I've been eating really well this weekend. I've learned that the key is to keep good food in the house so I don't go to the store and shop when I'm hungry. Or worse, go get fast food. Blech.

I found my Halloween costume for this year! I'm gonna be a witch. Next year, skanky cop. HA!

legs are not my fave

Saw Antonio again today and we did legs. It was rough! (Just the way your mother likes it, Trebek!) I really had to push myself to the limit and beyond. I hate it so much when I'm in the moment, but afterward I can't believe what I just did and I'm so happy. I never give up, no matter how badly I want to. I'm actually really impressed with myself. I'm doing things I never ever thought I'd do. Even though I'm not doing a huge amount of workouting, I'm doing a huge amount for me. I never get off the couch, I never get out of bed...I never do jack shit. So the fact that I'm even walking from my car to the front door of the gym is amazing in itself. 

I went out with my BFF Rach, her huz Nate and our awesome new friend Libby tonight and I was asking them if I'm ever going to enjoy the gym. The consensus? When I start seeing results, I'll love it. So I'm working my ass off and waiting for those results so I can start loving the gym. Woohoo!!

I'm so excited for this weekend because for the first time in months, we have NOTHING planned. Absolutely nothing! No dinners, no events, no out of town things. NOTTTTHINNNGGG!! We've been busy just about every weekend since Memorial Day and I'm definitely ready for a break. I'm hoping I'll get motivated and go to the gym both days, but we'll see. I actually don't mind going in the middle of the day because no one is there and I don't feel like everyone is staring at me. 

Anyway, here's to the weekend! I love you weekend!! :)

shoulders chest and triceps...no traps

I had one of my twice-weekly torture sessions with Antonio today. I discovered I have little to no muscle in my shoulders. I guess I never even realized there were muscles in there, but it makes sense of course. I did that butterfly machine thing where you have to bring your hands together...holy buckets, that killed! I had a really hard time doing 15 of those. But I ended up doing 3 sets so I kinda shocked myself. Antonio can see when I hit a wall and then he makes me do 5 more after that. Ugh....I hate it! But he's making me push myself and I'm surprised to see what I can do. 

I made the mistake of eating crab wontons at lunch today. Turns out those alone contain the calories required in a meal and a half. What was I thinking? It's deep fried cream cheese! DUH!! So after the gym, I went to Metropolitan Market and bought some good food. My fave invention is sugar free jello. It really satisfies my sweet tooth. Although after this summer, it does taste weird without vodka in it. (Thanks Bams!)

I see Antonio again tomorrow at noon. I think I'm gonna start seeing him on Fridays more often. I don't work on Fridays and I usually use that as an excuse to be lazy and it gets reeeealllllyyyyy hard for me to get my ass to the gym. So if I have an appt, I'll actually go. I wonder if I'll ever enjoy going to the gym or even look forward to it? Hmmm...

party at the treadmill!

I did 2.5 miles on the treadmill today. Yeeeehaw. It was not fun in any way but I felt really good afterward...as usual. I didn't want to go today, yet again. Anthony wasn't home and I hate leaving Bella alone. But that's really just a lame excuse so I went. Showing up is half the battle. I really wish I loved the gym but honestly, I don't. I dread it every day and I hate it every second that I'm there. I don't know, maybe it'll get easier as I go along on this skinny jeans journey. We'll see.

I ate well again too. I think I might be over my sugar cravings. Anthony bought a bag of sour patch kids and they're sitting on our kitchen counter but they haven't even looked good to me. Which is crazy because I loooooove those things! I'm still looking for some new and different foods to eat so if anyone has any ideas, send them along!

skinny jeans

One of my friends asked me why this blog is called "the Road to Skinny Jeans". To me, being able to wear my skinny is the ultimate in happiness. They don't just represent skinniness, but complete and total happiness. I feel so good and so confident when I have my skinny jeans on. It's a completely different frame of mind. I have a magnet on on my fridge that says "Miracles happen, keep the skinny jeans." I've never believed in miracles but I do believe in hard freakin' work in the gym and complete focus when it comes to my diet. Maybe I should make my own magnet..."hard work pays off...keep the skinny jeans."

Today was a good day. Hauled ass on the elliptical and I ate really well too. I went to QFC and bought some sammy ingredients. (sandwich to the lay person.) My favorite nutty, wheaty bread, some light mayo, delish hammy ham and my fave food in the world....cheeeeeese. In moderation of course! I've definitely recovered from my shitty day yesterday so I'm on a roll now. Wheeeee!! 

Oh and here's a picture from Jenni and Matt's awesome wedding this weekend. If seeing myself in all this hideousness isn't motivation, I don't know what is!

 

bad day

I'm losing motivation. I really didn't want to go to the gym today, and when I got home from work Anthony was starving and wanted to go dinner asap. So of course, I took that excuse and we hauled ass to dinner. I didn't go to the gym. I feel like shit and I'm really pissed off at myself. We went out to mexican and I ordered a tostada with black beans, but they put refried beans on it. Ugh....horrible day! I'm so mad at myself. I feel like I really can't do this and I might as well just accept the fact that I'm a fat girl and I will be for the rest of my life. It's tooooooo hard to be healthy and skinny. No, I'm not really going to give up...I'm just having a shitty day. The worst part about this is that I'm going to have to work twice as hard tomorrow. Yay.

confessions

It's amazing what happens when you put yourself out there like I have with this blog. People come out of nowhere to confess their past and current weight struggles, or their struggles with mental problems and chemical imbalances. I absolutely love it. It makes me feel less alone on my road to skinny jeans. It's so ridiculous, when you're going through a big change or a tough time, you can feel so lonely...like you're the only one who's ever lost weight or dealt with depression. Although it's not the greatest club to be in, I appreciate my friends who are in the same boat and I appreciate their honesty. It's so refreshing! It's turned "on the surface" friends into real friends. So keep your comments/confessions/stories/etc coming!

cardio crazy

Oh yeah, I kicked the elliptical's ass yesterday! I had big plans to do 2 miles on the elliptical, then 3 miles on the treadmill. Well, after 2 miles, I thought I was gonna die so I went another half mile and then called it a day. I went home and took Bella out to potty and she was in the mood to RUN. So we ran around the block....running the ENTIRE way. I've never ran for that long before. I don't know what happened. I got a second wind or something.

I didn't eat well at all. I had mac and cheese....ugh. I knew it was bad but I was starving and that's all we had at the house. Blech, it wasn't even good.

A migraine snuck up on me last night and I still kinda have it. Which totally sucks, because we have a big wedding to go to tonight. The wedding is at the Rainier Club downtown so we're staying at the W Hotel. I'm so excited! But I'm gonna be really pissed if we can't go because of my stupid head.

taking a break

This morning at about 4am, I woke up in extreme leg pain. It felt kind of like a charlie horse but it was in my hamstrings, not my calves. Luckily, I didn't work today but unluckily, I was dyyyyying! I can't believe I'm actually paying someone to make me feel like this. I definitely learned a lesson though: stretch, drink water, drink more water, stretch some more, drink 8 more gallons of water and keep stretching. I didn't do that and obviously, that explains the crazy leg pain.

So needless to say, I didn't make it to the gym today. I could barely walk to the bathroom, let alone walk 3 miles on the treadmill. My legs are feeling better tonight, so I'm definitely going tomorrow. But since I didn't go today, I'll have to go on Saturday am before we go to Seattle for the rest of the weekend. Ugh, so much for being leisurely this weekend. Oh well!

exhausted

Well, we did biceps and back today. My arms feel mushy, but that's ok. I had a hard time finding motivation to go to the gym after work. I really just wanted to go home and take a nap. But I went and I'm glad I did...I just can't move very easily. Oh well, I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. SKINNY JEANS!!

My eating is still good, but I'm catching myself eating the same thing over and over again. That's what I did last time I lost weight...frickin' cereal after cereal after cereal. I need to branch out. The thing that sucks is that I HAAAATE vegetables. Seriously, the only veggie I like is baby carrots, and only with a shit ton of ranch which then completely negates the veggie. Bleh....so if anyone has any good food suggestions, I'm totally open.

can't walk

Today was FINALLY my first workout with Antonio. We did legs. I cannot walk up the stairs, down the stairs, across the room...I cannot walk at all. We worked my ass too, so my butt's dying as well. It's a great feeling though...means I'm actually doing something good and right. Antonio is awesome. He's really encouraging but not cheerleader-y. He plays mind games with me too, which is what I need. Like he tells me I'm doing 10 reps, then once I get to 10 he makes me do 5 more. I love it! We'll see if I love it in a couple of weeks.

I'm realizing that the eating part isn't all that hard. It's easy to make good decisions when I'm working out. If I eat something crappy, I feel like the working out is a total waste.

The hardest part for me is getting my ass to the gym. That's really half the battle. When I get off work, I just want to go home and see my man and play with my dog. (And take a nap!) But I put my gym clothes on, get in my car and just see where I go. When I pull into the parking lot, I have to force myself to get out of the car and just walk. Once I'm there, it's all good and I kick ass. It's just the getting there that kills me. That's part of the reason I hired Antonio...I need someone to be there, making me accountable for myself. I see him again tomorrow. Can't wait to see what kind of torture he has planned for me!

back on track

I got back on track today. I ate good stuff. There's this awesome salad at Metropolitan Market that has chicken and raspberry vinaigrette, baby greens and walnuts...it's delish. So I had that for dinner as well as some cheese and crackers. I need to drink more water. I just hate water...it's boring.

After work, I went for a walk on Redondo Beach because it was so nice out. I couldn't be stuck in the gym with weather like this. It was good walk...I went fast. I can't bring myself to run yet because there's too much movement going on when I move that quickly...if ya know what I mean.

I have an appt with Antonio tomorrow. Hopefully we'll actually work out this time. I feel like working out on my own is just tying me over until my real workouts with Antonio. Let's get moving man! I'll report back tomorrow.

weekend

I've come to realize that weekends are going to be kinda tough because I really have no routine. I didn't go to the gym Friday, Saturday or today. Ugh...I hate when I get out of the habit. It's so much harder to go back after I've missed 3 days. I have to consciously make an effort to get my ass to the gym.

Last night, I went out for a bachelorette party (my bff's sis...who's basically like my own sister.) and it was soooooo much fun! But I felt so completely out of place. Not with the girls I was with; they're awesome. We went out to a bunch of bars in Belltown and boy has that neighborhood changed. It's straight up Pioneer Square style meat market. Blech, so glad I don't have to deal with that scene anymore. All those girls were so skinny and I felt like they were all staring at me and wondering what the hell I was doing out in public. Especially with a group of all hot, skinny chicks. You know how every group has the "fat friend"? That was me! I wanted so badly to just fast forward one year because I know I will NOT be in this same place in 2010.

Today we went to the Puyallup Fair because we both have never been. I know, crazy right? We basically went to eat. I knew it was going to be a bad day and I've been planning for it for the last week. I had a hot dog, fries, a diet pepsi, a piece of chocolate covered bacon (skip it!) and an elephant ear. Plus about 2 bottles of water. I know it was bad, but it's not like I got to the fair every single day.

Tomorrow is a new day...

semi-disappointment

Today was supposed to be my first real workout with Antonio. Instead, we just talked about nutrition. Which is good, but I thought he'd be kicking my ass by now. It's kind of annoying because I'm so ready for it and I feel like I'm being held back. For me, if I'm actually in the mood to workout...it's extremely rare so I just need to DO IT before the moment passes. It's all good though because I still did some cardio and felt good after.

Then Anthony and I went to mexican and I only had half of the chip basket and a fajita salad. It was delish! Had some rockin' avocados, great steak....all kinds of good stuff. Antonio wants me to eat raisins for snacks and chew sugar free gum 15 minutes before I eat lunch and dinner.

Well, that's it for now. Sorry this is so not interesting. I'm tired but it feels like a good tired. Peace out for now!

How I got to where I am...

I thought I'd give a little of my weight history so everyone knows how I got here. I was always kind of a chunk when I was a little kid. I didn't like sports at all (still don't!) and I looooooved TV. (Still do!) I also lived for candy and junk food. Which is weird, because we were not allowed to eat crappy food in our house. We went to McDonald's maybe 5 times the whole time we were growing up. (By we, I mean my little brother, Matt and I.) I remember the most exciting thing about getting my driver's license was that I could go to Macky Don Don's and Taco Bell whenever the eff I wanted and no one could say a thing about it. So I think that's where things got kind of out of hand.

In high school, I was probably the fattest girl in my class but I really didn't care because I had a ton of friends and I wasn't so fat that I couldn't wear cute clothes and fit in. When I was 18, I moved out of my parents' house in Moxee and moved in with my BFF Rachel in Kent. (Seattle area.) Rach and I made mac and cheese just about every night...what else did we know how to cook? I remember that she got a personal trainer after a break up with a boyfriend and she was looking hotter and hotter all the time. Think that would light a fire under my ass? Hellz no! I just kept eating and eating.

After living with Rach for about a year or so, I moved out into my own apartment. One day, I was sitting there watching TV as usual and I got this sudden urge to run. Like on Forrest Gump....I wanted to RUN! So I found some shoes and hit the pavement. OMG, it felt so horrible and so good all at the same time! I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest, I felt my lungs fill to beyond capacity and my legs felt like jello and were about to fall off. Something happened that day though and I kept at it every day. Then fall came and it was raining all the time. I couldn't stop this momentum! So I joined my very first gym: 24 Hour Fitness in Kent. I got the bare bones membership but I didn't care. I was a gym girl now! I had the clothes and the new pink iPod to prove it.

In December of 2004, I got a job at Trendwest as a reservations girl. Meaning, I sat on my ass all day talking on the phone. Everyone there said they gained 20 pounds when they first started that job. That was NOT gonna happen to me. I could not afford 20 pounds. Yuck. So I started eating healthier and keeping track of every last thing I ate. Turns out, one of the side effects of eating healthy and going to the gym is weight loss. Holy buckets, my pants were falling off! My shirts looked like parachutes! Even my underwear didn't fit! What is this newfound life? Oh man, I felt GREAT! And I looked better than ever before.

I was on the phone with my mom one night complaining that none of my clothes fit and I was too poor to buy any. She made me a deal that if I got down one more size, she'd buy me a whole new wardrobe. DEAL! So I did it, and she did it and I looked HOT!

At the time, I was eating 1200 calories a day so I thought "hmmm...what would happen if I ate 800? or 500?" Pretty soon I was eating only 200 calories a day. I knew it was wrong but I was so proud of myself. I loved the feeling of being hungry...it meant I was winning. After about 6 weeks of 200 calorie eating, I went nuts. I ate everything in sight: burritos, cheeseburgers, 2 boxes of mac and cheese, buttery popcorn....everything! And I had quit the gym.

That went on for about 2 months. Next thing I knew, I had wicked stomach pains and had to go to the ER. Turns out I had gallstones and they were so bad that I needed my gallbladder removed. After my surgery, I had to reintroduce foods to my system because I no longer had any bile to help me digest anything. I got sick of eating slowly, and just started going crazy again.

Then in 2006, I moved back to Yakima. Health-wise, that was about the worst thing I could do. I was drinking every night. And not just a little, I was drinking anything and everything that had alcohol in it. And what happens when you drink? You make bad decisions. Specifically, bad food decisions. Since I spent the entire year completely wasted, I also spent it eating a ton of ice cream and crunch wrap supremes from Taco Bell. Mmmm...so healthy!

I got tired of being drunk all the time after about a year and got really lonely and bored. So I kept eating and eating. I did join the gym in Terrace Heights but I would go every day for 2 weeks straight, then not go for 3 months, then go every day again. Vicious cycle. And the financial aspect didn't matter...it was part of my benefits package at work. (Thanks Dr. E!!)

In July of 2008, I met the love of my life Anthony. Now for those of you who know him, you know he likes to eat. And he likes to eat gooooood! He loves rich foods, good foods, bad foods, you name it. So I joined in with all this eating that he was doing. I thought I deserved it after so many years of being lonely and unhappy...I deserved a reward for finally finding the one! The difference between Amunz and me is that he carries his weight really well. It's all in his belly and his belly stays the same size no matter what. Me on the other hand...I gained 40 pounds just in this last year. Actually, it was more like 5 months. Ugh!

That brings me to now. I know I can do this. I feel like I was given the wrong body. I was meant to be skinny. I love fashion way too much to be a fat girl. I'm at the point where I can't even wear my fave heels anymore because my weight puts too much pressure on my feet and they end up hurting SO BAD. You know you're a cow when even your shoes don't fit anymore!

So here I am, and here's my blog. And now you know a whoooole ton of stuff about me. :)

first day

Today was the first day of my new life. My eating was good. Lots of protein, some carbs...total delish-ness. I discovered this new salad at Metropolitan Market that is awesome. Baby greens, chicken, raspberry vinaigrette and some rockin' walnuts. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, so I met my fabulouso trainer Antonio today. He's pretty cool so far. He does every kind of martial arts AND he's a ballroom dancer! OMG, I looooove me some Dancing with the Stars! He said he'd teach me, but only if I'm a good little student. That's my reward...the tango! Haha! So anyway, we just talked today and got to know each other. He did all my measurements and set a weight goal for me. (I'll discuss that at a much later date.) He's going to have a much more detailed plan for me later when we work out together and he knows what my pace is. I'm definitely excited to see what he has planned for me.

After our appt, I went upstairs and did a mile on the treadmill. I'm already feeling better. I feel actually tired, instead of drug induced tired. (I usually take Excedrin PM because I can stay up all night if I don't.) YAY! I'm loving my new life!!

tomorrow

I'm starting my personal trainer tomorrow. And I just had some pizza. It feels good to know that I'll be working that off tomorrow. I'm definitely nervous, a little excited and really scared.

I'm nervous because I hate starting new things and I'm sooooo not good with change. Excited because I'm so ready to change my life and become a genuinely happy person. Scared because I really don't want to fail. I just want to kick ass and be awesome. That sounds so vague but I have a very specific definition in my head of what those two things mean. Think I could actually get them out and write them down? Nope, but I know and that's what matters to me.

GOALS
1) weight 125-130
2) size 8-10
3) be able to bring laundry up the stairs
4) sleep better
5) reduce the frequency and intensity of migraines
6) BE HAPPY

This weekend in Chelan, I had an awesome conversation about the importance of my mental health and I came to realize that I'm not the only one in the world with a chemical imbalance and I definitely have a friend on my side who's been there times 10. So along with my physical health, I'm going to get my mental status where I want it to be. That means having to take anti-depressants without insurance. Kind of a bummer, however it's a small price to pay for the imbalances I experience and that Anthony has to experience too.

The life-changing starts tomorrow, so wish me luck!

the beginning...

On September 2nd, my boss Laura and I joined a gym. (LA Fitness in Federal Way.) When you sign up, they make you meet with a trainer so they can show you how to use the machines and all that junk that comes along with starting a new gym. So we went in the next day to meet with scary trainer/army guy Lee. Basically, he convinced us that we are both fat asses and we need to get moving. He weighed us and checked our body fat percentage. (Which I refuse to say on here...at least until both numbers are significantly smaller.) Then he had us do some basic exercises like wall sits and leg lifts, which were absolute torture and only a small taste of what we'll be doing in actual training sessions. It was pretty brutal, disgusting and a major slap in the face.

I've been completely in denial about my weight and my lack of any kind of muscle for the last 2 years. This is definitely what I needed.

I'm trying to be optimistic and positive, but I'm really not a naturally happy person, so I'm being realistic. It's going to take a year to get to where I want, which is a friggin' loooooong time. And it's going to be HARD. We barely even did anything yesterday and I can barely walk up the stairs because I'm so sore.

So here I go! Oh boy....

BTW, that pic is my before. Taken by my man Anthony last weekend on top of Hwy 410/Chinook Pass with my baby Bella.